Get ready to get uncomfortable

Pain is a delicate topic—not only for those who experience chronic pain but also for the people around them.

Do you recognize this? You get angry at your partner because they cautiously (or not so cautiously) ask if dinner is ready, and you find yourself boiling—not on the stove, but inside—thinking, "No, dinner isn’t ready because I had a rough day today, okay?" Or maybe you lean into passive-aggressiveness, saying nothing at all (because "They should just know how I’m feeling.").

Meanwhile, you’re riding a rollercoaster of emotions:

• Guilt: "Dinner’s not ready because of me."
• Frustration: "And then they have the nerve to ask about it! Can’t they see it’s not ready, for crying out loud?"
• Irritation: "And here I am, dealing with pain that’s draining all my energy."
• Sadness: "It feels like I can’t do anything anymore."
• And this one, the dangerous one: victimhood: "My kids/partner deserve better than this."

And your partner? They’re caught in their own loop:
"Uh-oh, I probably shouldn’t have asked. But if I don’t ask, that’s probably not okay either. When I offered to do it myself, they said, ‘Hey, you don’t have to take over everything, you know!’ So… help? Don’t help? Ask? Don’t ask? I’m at a loss."

Pain and illness inevitably affect the relationship between you and your housemates.
The dynamic shifts, and roles change.

But here’s the real question:

• Is it the pain that’s shaking your relationship, or was the relationship already on shaky ground, and now it just so happens that one of you is also in pain?
• Is the topic of pain distracting you from addressing the core of what’s really going on between you?

Pain and illness are themes that change the relationship between you and your housemates. Dynamics shift and roles change.

Would couples with financial worries have such conversations? I think so.

Would couples with relationship problems treat each other this way? Of course.

Is it the pain that caused the relationship to falter or is it a fading relationship and there happens to be someone present who is in pain?

Does the theme of pain distract you from the core issue?

Is this something that is discussed in your relationship?

As soon as you express with words that you're having an off day, you can start making agreements with each other. Brené Brown offers a great tip that can be a helpful tool even in pain-free relationships. When you're completely drained from work, you can agree with your partner on how much energy percentage you both have left to make it to 100%.

Example:
You come home and say—of course, very lovingly:
"Honeybun, I know we still need to cook, and the kids need to be taken to their activities, but I only have 20% energy left. How about you?"
In an ideal scenario, the partner says:
"No worries, I’ve got 80%.  If you can do the dishes after dinner, I’ll take care of the rest."
If your partner only has 50%, you can agree to, for instance, grab takeout, carpool, or find another compromise.

Don’t set the bar too high—not for yourself and not for your partner. Your kids are not going to look back and say:
"Wow, I had such a great childhood because the house was always spotless!"

Ironically, it’s often perfectionists and people-pleasers who are at higher risk of developing chronic pain. These individuals often carry a kind of suppressed anger that they were never allowed to express. This doesn’t mean you have to be verbally or physically aggressive in your household; suppressed anger can also manifest through passive-aggressive behaviors—like sighing, rolling your eyes, withdrawing, or worse: giving the silent treatment.

If you can’t talk about chronic pain in terms of making agreements with each other, one partner ends up in the caregiving role while the other loses their sense of purpose. But doesn’t everyone need a role within a family to avoid falling into depression? Even if it’s just one goal per day that you set for yourself, like unloading the dishwasher, writing Christmas cards, or finally starting that photo album you promised to make three years ago...

I’m not a relationship expert. Then again, I have been in a relationship for over 25 years, so… But I do remember that spending weeks on the couch didn’t do wonders for my self-esteem or mental health—and that, in turn, affected the relationship.

Talking about pain isn’t just about expressing it—it’s equally about the agreements you need to make around it:
What will I do, and what will you do?

After all, you’re a team—keep it that way!

Good luck!